Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
