I think I died a long time ago.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
