New invention idea: vibrating tampons
that's an acceptable place to lick
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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