worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
