I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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