Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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