Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
