My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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