all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
