apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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