Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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