You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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