I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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