What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
