Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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