please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
