so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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