Kiss
Puke
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
