Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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