well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
