My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
too bad you live with your parents still
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
