did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
