I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
