I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
