I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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