Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
