it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
