i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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