dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
