Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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