when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
