and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
