I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
