Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
