Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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