So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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