My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
