she was so not down for the gang bang
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
