I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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