Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
