I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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