life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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