Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
