Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
