I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
