He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
