If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
