can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
These tits shall not be calmed
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
