jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
