I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
