I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
