Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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