I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
