i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
