Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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