A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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