My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
