Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
