Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm sobbing to NWA
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
