Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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